The Elephant in the Room

This article moves away from ostriches and moves us onto elephants. I’m sure you have heard of the expression “don’t mention the elephant in the room,” which refers to an issue that’s so big, that is just so obvious to all, but although being obvious nobody is wanting to confront it. And here’s what you need to understand, that elephant isn’t going away just because everyone’s pretending it’s not there.

The elephant in the room is different from the ostrich effect. I also think that metaphorically, the elephant also implies that the issue is something big and something really obvious. Yet the main difference is that the elephant is obvious to everyone, in contrast to the ostrich effect where that problem the person is avoiding may only be apparent to them.

All you need to remember for this article is that the elephant in the room is something big, and it’s going to be evident to everyone. And yet, bizarrely, often unfortunately, nobody’s talking about it.

The Conspiracy of Silence

I see families, parents and carers who need prompting to discuss the real issues surrounding a patient’s care even when that issue is obvious to everyone. Sometimes these things are avoided to prevent possible hurt or embarrassment for individuals. Whilst in business, the term is used to describe situations when topics are deemed too controversial. In business meetings, you will also see issues that, although apparent to all, are not discussed to keep harmony in the group.

Janis’s (1972) work on groupthink explains this phenomenon perfectly. Groups, especially cohesive ones, will suppress dissent and avoid raising uncomfortable topics to maintain harmony and consensus. The problem is that the harmony is unreal, the consensus is illusory, and the elephant is still there, causing damage while everyone pretends not to notice.

You can’t hide the elephant in the room, it’s already apparent to everyone, and even though it’s so obvious, generally nobody else will talk about it or more importantly offer you any help unless you confront it first. This is the trap. Everyone is waiting for someone else to acknowledge what’s obvious, and in the meantime, the problem grows larger, more destructive, more difficult to address.

Common Elephants

Let me give you some examples of elephants I see regularly in my practice, because recognition is the first step toward change.

The family where everyone knows a relative’s drinking is out of control, but nobody mentions it directly. They talk around it, they accommodate it, they plan around it, but they never actually say it out loud.

The workplace where everyone knows the boss is making poor decisions, that good people are leaving because of it. But in meetings, everyone nods along, nobody challenges, nobody speaks up because speaking up feels risky. The elephant is the failing leadership, and the silence is complicity.

The relationship where both people know it’s over, that they’re staying together out of inertia or fear rather than love, that they’re just going through the motions. But neither wants to be the one to say it, to make it real, to take responsibility for ending things. So they continue, month after month, year after year, the elephant of the relationship filling the entire house while they pretend everything’s fine.

Why We Avoid the Elephant

So why do we do this? Why do intelligent, rational people collectively pretend not to see something that’s obvious to everyone? Morrison and Milliken’s (2000) research on organisational silence identified several key reasons: fear of negative consequences, belief that speaking up won’t make a difference, and implicit assumptions that it’s inappropriate to raise the issue.

We avoid the elephant to protect ourselves emotionally. Acknowledging the problem means we might have to do something about it, and doing something about it might be painful, costly, or difficult. Silence feels safer, even when intellectually we know it’s not.

We avoid the elephant to protect others too, or so we tell ourselves. We don’t want to hurt their feelings, embarrass them, make things awkward. But often we’re protecting ourselves more than them.

I see lots of those metaphorical ostriches and elephants in my consultations; as GPs we sometimes call it revealing the “hidden agenda”, where the patient finally admits why they have come to see you, or where you help facilitate the discussion that really needs to be had.

So maybe it’s time to ask: what is the elephant in the room with you right now?

Key Learning Points

There are things you need to confront that are evident to everyone too. Generally only when these issues are confronted will you get the help and support you need.

Further reading

• Janis, I. L. (1972). Victims of Groupthink.
• Morrison, E. W., & Milliken, F. J. (2000). Organizational silence: A barrier to change and development in a pluralistic world. Academy of Management Review, 25(4), 706–725.
• Heath, C., & Heath, D. (2010). Switch: How to Change Things When Change Is Hard.
• Patterson, K., Grenny, J., McMillan, R., & Switzler, A. (2002). Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High.
• Cialdini, R. B. (2006). Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion.