What Is Still Holding You Back

I had my foot down on the accelerator. Engine revving. Going nowhere.

Not a metaphor. Actually happened one morning. Driving to work, engine screaming, but the car wasn’t moving. Or rather, it was moving, but painfully slowly. Like pushing through mud.

Then I realised. Schoolboy error. The handbrake was still on.

That’s the feeling I see in patients every week. They’ve got the motivation. They’ve got the plan. They’re putting in effort. But something’s still holding them back. They’re taking one step forward and, as the saying goes, often two steps back.

You can’t move forward if you don’t let go of what’s holding you back.

The Handbrake Effect

Let me be clear about what happened that morning. I’m not an idiot. I know how to drive. But I was distracted, running late, thinking about the day ahead. Put the car in gear, released the clutch, pressed the accelerator. Forgot the handbrake.

The car moved. Just not properly. All that effort, all that fuel, minimal progress. Because something was holding it back. The good thing was, once I realised what was going on, it took a few seconds to release the handbrake and off I went.

That’s often what happens in life. You’re trying. You’re putting in effort. But you still feel something’s holding you back.

Maybe it’s obvious. Maybe you know exactly what’s holding you back and you’re just not ready to let it go. Maybe it’s invisible. Maybe it’s so familiar you don’t even notice it any more.

Either way, until you release the handbrake, you’re going nowhere fast.

The Monkey Bar Analogy

You’ve seen kids on monkey bars. To move forward, they grab the next bar and let go of the one behind them. Simple. Obvious. Necessary.

Try crossing monkey bars whilst refusing to let go of the first bar. You’ll hang there. Stuck. Going nowhere.

Life works the same way.

To move forward, you need to reach for the next thing and let go of the thing behind you. But people don’t. They hang on. One hand gripping the past, wondering why they can’t reach towards the future.

Sometimes what you need to let go of is obvious. A toxic relationship. A dead-end job. A destructive habit. Other times it’s subtler. An outdated belief. A grudge you’ve carried for years. An identity that no longer serves you.

Whatever it is, if you’re holding onto it, you can’t move forward.

The Clinical Reality

I see this in practice. Someone comes in wanting to change. Lose weight. Quit smoking. Manage anxiety. Great. Let’s do it.

We make a plan. Set goals. Discuss strategies. They leave motivated.

Then they come back two weeks later. Nothing’s changed. Or they’ve made minimal progress. Or they’ve even gone backwards.

Why? Because something’s holding them back.

The smoker who wants to quit but still meets their smoking friends for coffee breaks. The person who wants to lose weight but won’t throw out the junk food in their cupboard. The anxious person who wants to feel better but won’t give up the coping mechanisms that reinforce their anxiety, or get out and start doing the things they need to do to rebuild their confidence.

You can’t move forward whilst holding onto the things keeping you stuck.

Conservatism Bias Strikes Again

You may have come across conservatism bias before: the tendency to hold onto old views and discount new information. The preference for familiar suffering over unfamiliar change.

People would rather stay miserable in a situation they know than risk the unknown by letting go.

I had a patient, mid-thirties, desperately unhappy in his job. Talked about quitting for three years. Three years, and every time I saw him, the same story. Hates his job. Wants to leave. Going to update his CV. Going to start applying.

Never did. Why? Because leaving meant uncertainty. Staying meant predictable misery. He chose predictable.

That’s conservatism bias in action. The devil you know feels safer than the angel you don’t. Even when the devil’s making you miserable.

What Are You Holding Onto?

Right now, I want you to ask yourself this question. What am I holding onto that’s holding me back?

Not tomorrow. Not when you feel ready. Right now.

Be specific. Not vague answers like “my past” or “negative thinking.” Name the actual thing.

A relationship that’s dead but you won’t bury?

A grudge you’ve carried for a decade?

A belief about yourself that’s no longer true?

A habit that’s comfortable but destructive?

An identity that defines you but limits you?

Something you need to stop doing? Something you need to start doing if you’re ever going to move forwards?

What’s your handbrake? What’s the thing you’re gripping onto that you need to let go of before you have a hope of any real progress?

Write it down. Write all of them down, because there may be more than one, but get specific. Because you can’t let go of something you won’t acknowledge you’re still holding.

The Compound Effect of Multiple Handbrakes

Here’s where it gets worse. It’s rarely just one thing holding you back. It’s multiple things. Small things. Compounding.

One handbrake might slow you down. Five handbrakes might stop you completely. And most people have multiple handbrakes they don’t even know about.

Toxic friends. Negative self-talk. Comfort food. Alcohol. Excessive social media. Perfectionism. Fear of judgment. Need for approval. Old grudges. Limiting beliefs.

Each one individually? Manageable. All together? Paralysis.

Small negative things compound into major problems the same way small positive changes compound into major progress, as we’ll see later in this section when we get to marginal gains. Small anchors add up to being completely stuck.

Why People Do Not Let Go

You know what’s holding you back. So why haven’t you let it go?

Fear. Usually fear.

Fear of the unknown. Fear of failure. Fear of success. Fear of being wrong about something you’ve believed for years.

Also identity. You’ve held onto this thing so long it’s become part of who you are. Letting it go means changing your identity. That’s terrifying.

Or sunk cost. You’ve invested so much time, energy, emotion into this thing. Letting it go feels like admitting waste. So you hold on, hoping it’ll eventually be worth it.

It won’t. Sunk costs are sunk. You can’t get them back by holding on. You just waste more time.

The Release Process

Letting go isn’t easy. If it were, you’d have done it already. But it’s necessary.

Here’s how.

First, identify specifically what’s holding you back. Not vague concepts. Specific things. Write them down.

Second, ask yourself what you’re gaining by holding on. Not what you’re losing by letting go. What you’re gaining by holding on. Usually it’s something. Comfort. Familiarity. An excuse. Identity. Figure out what it is.

Third, ask yourself what it’s costing you. Not in abstract terms. In concrete terms. What opportunities have you missed? What progress have you failed to make? What’s the actual cost of holding on?

Fourth, make the decision. Not to feel ready. Not to wait for the perfect moment. Just decide. Today. This is what I’m letting go of.

Fifth, take one action that demonstrates you’ve let go. Throw something away. End a relationship. Change a habit. Clear out the fridge. As the saying goes, take massive action. Make a promise to yourself. Make it concrete. Make it real.

The Physics of Moving Forward

Newton’s first law: an object at rest stays at rest unless acted upon by an external force. An object in motion stays in motion unless acted upon by an external force.

If you’re stuck, you need force to get moving. But if something’s holding you back, that force gets wasted or needs extra effort.

Release the handbrake first. Then apply the force. Otherwise you’re just burning energy going nowhere.

This is why people get frustrated. They’re trying so hard. Putting in so much effort. But they’re not moving. Because something’s holding them back.

You can’t accelerate whilst the handbrake’s on, and something’s going to break.

What About the Good Things Holding You Back?

Sometimes what’s holding you back isn’t obviously bad. Sometimes it’s something good that’s become a problem.

A relationship that was great but has run its course. A job that served you well but is now limiting you. A belief that helped you once but hinders you now.

These are harder to let go of, because they’re not obviously toxic. They’re just no longer right.

But holding onto something good past its expiry date doesn’t keep it good. It just stops you moving forward. Sometimes the hardest thing to let go of is something that used to be good.

The Relationship Between Letting Go and Moving Forward

You can’t do both simultaneously. You can’t hold on and move forward at the same time.

That’s the monkey bar principle again. Both hands gripping the old bar? You’re stuck. Let go with one hand? Now you can reach.

Sometimes letting go has to happen first. Before the plan. Before the action. Before the progress. Because until you let go, nothing else matters.

Other times, moving forward helps you let go. Taking action in a new direction makes holding onto the old less appealing.

Either way, at some point, you have to release your grip.

The Story of the Butterfly

There’s an old story, told in various versions, about a man who finds a butterfly struggling to emerge from its cocoon. He watches it struggle for what feels like ages, decides to help, and carefully cuts the cocoon open.

The butterfly emerges. But something’s wrong. Its wings are shrivelled. Its body’s swollen. It can’t fly. It never will.

The moral, whatever you think of the biology behind it, is that the struggle to emerge is meant to be part of the process. Skip it, and something doesn’t develop properly.

Sometimes the struggle to let go is necessary. Difficulty can be part of the process, and like the butterfly, you can’t always skip it. You can’t make it easier. You just have to go through it.

The Final Word

You know what’s holding you back. Maybe you’ve known for years. Maybe you just realised reading this.

The question isn’t what’s holding you back. The question is when are you going to let it go?

Not when you feel ready. You’ll never feel ready. Not when it’s convenient. It’ll never be convenient. Just when. When are you going to release the handbrake? When are you going to let go of the bar behind you?

Because until you do, all the motivation and planning and effort in the world won’t move you forward.

You can’t drive with the handbrake on. So figure out what’s holding you back. Then make the decision to let it go, however difficult you think it’ll be.

Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Release the handbrake. Then see how fast you can actually go.

Further reading

• Kahneman, D., & Tversky, A. (1979). Prospect theory: An analysis of decision under risk. Econometrica, 47(2), 263-291.
• Samuelson, W., & Zeckhauser, R. (1988). Status quo bias in decision making. Journal of Risk and Uncertainty, 1(1), 7-59.
• Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (2011). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
• Bridges, W. (2004). Transitions: Making Sense of Life’s Changes. Da Capo Press.
• Clear, J. (2018). Atomic Habits: An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones. Avery.