Clinging On and Reactance Bias

Sometimes moving forward is as simple as letting go of what’s holding you back. Sounds obvious, doesn’t it? But you’d be amazed how many people stay stuck precisely because they’re gripping too tightly to the very thing that’s keeping them trapped.

Think of monkey bars in a playground. You know how they work. To move forward, you have to let go. You can’t get to the next bar while still holding the last one with both hands. One hand has to release, trust the momentum, and reach for what’s ahead.

Life works the same way.

But here’s what happens instead: when changes need to be made, when you feel insecure or uncertain, you hang on tighter. You cling to whatever’s familiar. Whatever you’re used to. Especially the things you have control over.

Even if those things are destroying you.

The 60% Who Say No

Let me introduce you to something called Reactance Bias. It’s one of the most powerful psychological forces I see in my practice, and it’s probably running your life more than you realise.

Here’s how it works: when someone tells you what to do, about 60% of people will automatically want to do the opposite. Not because the advice is bad. Not because there’s a better option. Simply because they were told what to do, and that feels like someone’s taking away their freedom.

It’s a reaction. Hence the name.

The underlying mechanism is about control. When someone suggests you make a change, even if you know deep down they’re right, something inside you bristles. Your brain interprets it as a threat to your autonomy. To get that freedom back, you reactively resist. You dig your heels in. You hold on tighter to the exact thing you should be letting go of.

I see it constantly. The smoker whose doctor tells them to quit. The drinker whose family stages an intervention. The mother who tells her anorexic daughter to eat more. The immediate internal response powered by reactive bias is: “Nobody tells me what to do.”

And so they don’t do it. Even though they know they should. Even though not doing it is killing them.

That’s Reactance Bias.

The Control Trap

Here’s where it gets really twisted. Some people would rather keep their problem than lose control. Let me say that again: they’d rather hang onto something that’s actively harming them than face the fear of change or the insecurity of something new.

Why? Because they’ve got control over that problem. They know it. They understand it. It’s familiar. The devil they know versus the devil they don’t, except in this case, the devil they know is slowly winning.

I remember a patient in an abusive relationship; it was making her miserable and, by this point, clinically depressed. Her partner was controlling, dismissive, occasionally cruel. She knew it. Everyone around her knew it. They’d been telling her to leave for years.

But the more they told her, the more she stayed.

Not because she loved him. Not because she couldn’t afford to leave. Not because she was scared of being alone.

Believe it or not, she told me she stayed because leaving felt like admitting they were right and she was wrong. Leaving meant losing control of the narrative. As long as she stayed, she was choosing to stay. It was her decision. Her life. Her control.

Reactance Bias was controlling her. She was just too locked into this negative pattern to see it.

When she finally left, you know what she said? “I needed it to be my idea.”

That’s Reactance Bias in one sentence.

The Holding On Problem

People hang onto problems because they’ve got agency over that problem. Even if the problem is terrible, at least they’re the one deciding to keep it. At least they’re not doing what everyone’s telling them to do. At least they’re in charge.

But you’re not in charge when Reactance Bias is running the show. You’re reacting. You’re not making conscious choices based on what’s best for you. You’re making reactive choices based on who’s pushing you and how much you resent being pushed.

And that keeps you in your problem situation far longer than necessary.

The Fear Behind the Reaction

Let’s dig deeper. Reactance Bias isn’t just about stubbornness. It’s about fear. Specifically, the fear of losing autonomy and the fear of change.

When you’re told what to do, it triggers a primal response. Your brain registers it as a threat to your freedom. Even if the suggestion is helpful, even if it’s exactly what you need, the method of delivery matters more than the content.

And when you’re already feeling insecure or uncertain, that threat amplifies. So you grip tighter. You resist harder. You convince yourself that holding on is strength when really it’s just fear dressed up in defiance.

The painful truth is this: the more people tell you to make the change you need to make, the more you want to hang onto the past. No matter how painful that past is. No matter how obviously wrong it is.

That’s the effect of Reactance Bias.

The First Step Out

So how do you beat it? How do you let go when your brain’s screaming at you to hold on?

First, recognise it. When you feel that surge of “nobody tells me what to do,” pause. Ask yourself: am I resisting because this is wrong, or am I resisting because someone told me to do it?

Be honest. If it’s the latter, you’re being controlled by Reactance Bias, not by logic or reason or what’s actually best for you.

Second, reframe it. Make it your choice. Not your mum’s choice. Not your doctor’s choice. Not your partner’s choice. Yours.

Look at the situation objectively. Strip away who’s saying what and just examine the facts. Is this thing helping or harming you? If you weren’t reacting against someone else’s advice, what would you choose?

Third, let go incrementally. You don’t have to release everything at once. You don’t have to make a massive leap. Just loosen your grip a little. Test what happens when you stop holding on so tight.

Because here’s what I’ve learned after two decades of watching people: the thing you’re clinging to isn’t keeping you safe. It’s keeping you stuck.

The Monkey Bars Moment

Remember the monkey bars? When you’re hanging there, both hands on one bar, the next bar right in front of you, there’s a moment of choice.

You can stay where you are. Safe. In control. Going nowhere.

Or you can let go with one hand, reach forward, and trust that you’ll catch the next bar.

That moment, that split second when one hand releases and the other hasn’t quite caught on yet, that’s terrifying. You’re not holding anything. You’re in freefall.

But it’s also the only way forward.

Reactance Bias keeps you on the first bar. Holding tight. Refusing to let go. Telling yourself you’re in control when really you’re just frozen.

The first step is recognising that. The second is loosening your grip. The third is reaching forward.

And the fourth, the hardest one, is letting go completely and trusting you’ll catch the next bar.

You will. But you have to let go first.

What You Need to Let Go Of

So here’s your assignment. Think about what you’re holding onto that you need to let go of. Not what everyone’s telling you to let go of. What you know, deep down, is keeping you stuck.

Is it a job that’s slowly wearing you down but at least it’s familiar?

Is it a belief about yourself that stopped being true?

Is it the idea that changing means admitting everyone else was right?

Whatever it is, notice how tightly you’re gripping it. Notice whether you’re holding on because it’s good for you or because letting go feels like losing control.

Then ask yourself: is control over a sinking ship still control, or is it just going down with dignity?

Because dignity won’t save you. But letting go might.

The first step is always the same. Recognise what’s controlling you. Recognise that Reactance Bias is making you hold on when you should be letting go.

And then, when you’re ready, when it’s truly your choice and not anyone else’s, loosen your grip.

Just a little.

That’s how you start moving forward.

This isn’t therapy. If you’re dealing with clinical depression, severe anxiety, or trauma, please see a professional. I say this as a doctor, not as a disclaimer.

Further reading

• Brehm, S. S., & Brehm, J. W. (1981). Psychological Reactance: A Theory of Freedom and Control. Academic Press.
• Wicklund, R. A. (1974). Freedom and Reactance. Lawrence Erlbaum.
• Miron, A. M., & Brehm, J. W. (2006). Reactance theory: 40 years later. Zeitschrift für Sozialpsychologie, 37(1), 9-18.
• Dillard, J. P., & Shen, L. (2005). On the nature of reactance and its role in persuasive health communication. Communication Monographs, 72(2), 144-168.
• Cialdini, R. B. (2006). Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion. Harper Business.
• Kahneman, D. (2011). Thinking, Fast and Slow. Farrar, Straus and Giroux.
• Bridges, W. (2004). Transitions. Da Capo Press.
• Hayes, S. C., & Smith, S. (2005). Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life. New Harbinger.
• Prochaska, J. O., & DiClemente, C. C. (1983). Stages and processes of self-change of smoking. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 51(3), 390-395.
• Fogg, B. J. (2019). Tiny Habits. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.