The Boundary Paradox

This lesson is all about the concept of boundaries in your life; on one hand, they are meant to be pushed, on the other, they create a place of safety within their walls.

I see a lot of self-help literature that tells you, in no uncertain terms, to live a life without limits, to tread the path others don’t follow, and to strive for the impossible and make it possible.

Paradoxically, you cannot live all of your life in this way, and there needs to be a balance, a time where you go back within a safe place, a place of protection and a place where you can recharge.

I put up boundaries in my life to protect myself, I don’t take work home, I set aside time for family, for holidays, and I take care to eat, to hydrate and to switch off, to relax and to sleep.

Without the time to recharge and rejuvenate, we burn out, we don’t switch off, we drive ourselves into the ground. The Japanese call it Karōshi, roughly translated as “death by overwork.” This is what happens when people are seen to have worked themselves into the ground.

I think, however, that this concept doesn’t just apply to work; it also applies to how you live your life, and that is why we need boundaries in other areas of our lives, not just our work.

Without walls, your roof might fall in, you lock your door at night, you turn off your phone, you put a fence around your garden, and the reason you do this is that without these clear boundaries, you don’t feel safe, you don’t relax, and you don’t switch off.

I see too many people who are the victims of their own burnout, the nervous tension that the stress they put themselves under is never relaxed, they live their uptight lives until something unfortunately snaps.

We need to live our lives within boundaries, to relax, to consolidate, to rest until the time comes when we feel safe to venture out, then as we do so we grow, maybe our boundaries move out with us, the scary and the unknown becomes the known, we can leave previous limitations behind and our lives and the boundaries we impose on ourselves expand.

Yet we should never forget that pushing and growing takes its toll, and there are times when we need to retreat, recharge, and taper our efforts before another big push.

As parents, we set boundaries to protect our kids until they are mature enough to venture farther and leave the nest. Sometimes we get it wrong, and if we remove their boundaries too soon, they can get lost, feel insecure and anxious. Yet, remove these boundaries too late, tie those kids to the apron string too long, wrap them in cotton wool, and they are unprepared for the world, too, and they fail to grow, mature and learn what they need to know to have their own independence.

Living a life without limits and boundaries can mean that, despite the exhilaration and the excitement, there’s no feeling of protection or control. There needs to be a balance; you need to set boundaries to protect yourself, pace yourself, and prepare yourself for when you need to fly high.

What you can’t do is live a life too long fixed within your own limits; you’ll never reach your potential, you won’t grow, and you will never strive as far as you could.

Living within limits and within set boundaries can start to suffocate you, especially if those boundaries have been set by others, and it won’t be long before those walls close in as your life and prospects diminish.

The issue is not which side of the boundary fence you are on; the issue is to have a fence, to know where it is, and to have boundaries that are movable, not historical, and that grow with you.

There may be no limit to your potential, but even the highest flyer needs a safe place to land, protect the things in your life that need to be safe, that shouldn’t be eaten into and that are essential to you.

This isn’t therapy. If you’re dealing with clinical depression, severe anxiety, or trauma, please see a professional. I say this as a doctor, not as a disclaimer.

Further reading

• Kossek, E.E., Ruderman, M.N., Braddy, P.W., & Hannum, K.M. (2012). Work-nonwork boundary management profiles. Journal of Vocational Behavior, 81(1), 112-128.
• Vygotsky, L.S. (1978). Mind in Society. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.
• Taleb, N.N. (2012). Antifragile. New York: Random House.
• Dweck, C.S. (2006). Mindset. New York: Random House.
• McEwen, B.S. (2007). Physiology and neurobiology of stress and adaptation. Physiological Reviews, 87(3), 873-904.