A Life Stuck Between FOWI and FOMO

There’s something I call the FOWI-FOMO scale, and it’s based on fear. Because used in the right way, fear is a good thing. It’s a pretty strong motivator, and if something’s going to get you moving in the right direction, fear can be the catalyst you need.

The problem is that most people are being driven by the wrong type of fear. And the contradiction between these two fears is exactly what’s keeping you stuck.

The FOWI Trap

Let me start with FOWI, which stands for the Fear of What If. This is the fear of something bad happening, the fear of things that might go wrong. FOWI is the little mental devil that stops you in your tracks and prevents you doing anything in your life just because of what might happen.

FOWI can get out of control. It’s generally the fear or worry of something that hasn’t even happened, and it’s the product of a worried or over-anxious mind fretting away and building fear on top of fear. Too often I see people fail to take action in their lives because they’re focusing on the worst possible outcome, even when that outcome is really unlikely to happen. Their fear of “what if” has distorted their reality and given them a grim view of the future based on negative wants and bad things that haven’t even occurred.

FOWI shows up everywhere. It shows up in relationships when you won’t fully commit because what if it goes wrong? It shows up in careers when you won’t specialise because what if you pick the wrong field? It shows up in life whenever you won’t make a decision because what if you choose badly?

The problem is, not choosing is still a choice. And it’s usually the worst one.

Michael was forty-three. He’d spent fifteen years “keeping his options open” in his career. Never committed to one path. Never specialised. Took contract work so he could be flexible. Turned down permanent positions because they felt too limiting.

The result? He was virtually unemployable. No expertise. Just a CV full of three-month stints and surface-level knowledge in a dozen areas.

Psychologists call this the paradox of choice, and Michael was living proof. The more options you try to keep open, the less capable you become of doing anything meaningful with any of them.

The irony of FOWI is that trying to avoid risk means you never actually invest. And not investing is the biggest risk of all.

The FOMO Problem

Now let’s talk about the other side of the scale. FOMO is the Fear of Missing Out, and it’s everywhere. You see it on social media when you’re scrolling through everyone else’s highlight reel wondering why your life looks so ordinary. You feel it when your friends talk about the holiday you couldn’t afford or didn’t take time off for. You experience it when you hear about the opportunity you didn’t pursue or the risk you didn’t take.

FOMO is the nagging sense that somewhere, somehow, other people are living better, fuller, more exciting lives than you are. And you’re missing it.

Here’s what makes FOMO so destructive. It’s based on incomplete information. You’re comparing your behind-the-scenes reality to everyone else’s carefully curated highlights. You’re looking at their successes without seeing their struggles. Their wins without their losses. Their Friday night out without their Sunday morning regrets. Research on FOMO has found that people who report higher levels of it also report significantly lower life satisfaction and mood, not because their lives are actually worse, but because they’re constantly measuring themselves against a fantasy.

Social media has turned FOMO into an epidemic. Every scroll tells you someone’s on a better holiday, has a better relationship, got a better job, lives in a better house. And your brain, wired for social comparison, keeps score. Keeps you feeling like you’re losing a game you didn’t even know you were playing.

But here’s the truth. You can’t do everything. You can’t be everywhere. You can’t experience every possibility or pursue every opportunity. Life is about choices, and choosing one thing always means not choosing something else. That’s not missing out. That’s being human.

It can take you years before finally understanding that FOMO isn’t about what you’re missing. It’s about not valuing what you have. Daniel Gilbert’s research on happiness shows we’re spectacularly bad at predicting what will actually make us happy. We chase imagined futures while ignoring perfectly good presents.

The Contradiction That Keeps You Stuck

Here’s where it gets interesting. FOMO and FOWI pull you in completely opposite directions.

FOMO tells you to try everything. Chase every opportunity. Keep all doors open. Never settle.

FOWI tells you to commit to nothing. Risk nothing. Wait until you’re certain.

So you’re stuck. Paralysed between the fear of missing out and the fear of what might go wrong.

You can’t commit because FOWI whispers “what if it’s the wrong choice?” But you can’t settle because FOMO whispers “but look what everyone else is doing.” And while you’re frozen between these two fears, life passes you by. Which is exactly what you were afraid of in the first place.

Flipping the Scale

You can’t eliminate FOMO or FOWI. They’re hardwired into human psychology. We’re built to scan for threats and opportunities, to worry about losses and missed chances. Behavioural economics has shown that we feel losses roughly twice as powerfully as equivalent gains. Your brain is literally designed to make you scared of both committing and not committing.

But here’s the mental shift that changes everything. Your fear of missing out needs to be stronger than your fear of what if. That’s when effective change happens. The shift needs to be away from imagining the worst that could happen and towards the fear of what you’ll miss if you do nothing.

The fear of missing out is a big driver when you want it to be. It can make you feel restless, anxious, and unfulfilled, and those feelings can be channelled to push you into making the changes you need to make. The simple fact is that the more you work towards something, the more effort you put in, the more likely that outcome is going to happen. Not doing what you need to do because of the fear of what if does exactly the opposite.

Fear is a good thing when it’s pointed in the right direction. You need to feel the fear of having something missing in your life. You need to expose yourself to the fear of what wouldn’t happen and what wouldn’t be possible if you didn’t do something about it.

The Investment Truth

Here’s something I’ve learned after twenty years in this job. Half-hearted investments always fail. Always.

You can’t sort-of pursue a career and expect it to flourish. You can’t kind-of commit to a relationship and expect it to deepen. You can’t dabble in a skill and expect to become proficient. Sustained, passionate commitment to a single direction beats raw talent, but that requires choosing a direction and sticking with it, which is the one thing FOWI and FOMO conspire to prevent.

I often tell my patients this: isn’t it better to fully invest in the wrong thing and learn something than to half-invest in the right thing and achieve nothing? At least with the first option, you gain experience, skills, knowledge. You learn what doesn’t work. You grow. Even the failures become data that moves you forward.

With the second option, you gain nothing. You stay exactly where you are. Safe. Unexperienced. Unchanged.

Your Move

So what type of fear have you got? Does your fear come from FOWI, or is it time to cultivate your FOMO instead? In other words, are you scared to do something because something bad might happen, or can you channel this fear towards the fear of missing out on what you actually want?

Pick one area of your life where you’ve been stuck between these two fears. Then make a decision. Not the perfect decision. Not the certain decision. Just a decision. Commit to it fully. Not halfway. Not “I’ll try this and see what happens.” All in. Invested. Determined to make it work.

And here’s the critical part. Stop looking at other options. Stop checking LinkedIn to see what everyone else is doing. Stop scrolling Instagram to see what you’re “missing.” Stop keeping one foot out the door just in case. Commit. Invest. Do the work.

Because staying stuck between FOMO and FOWI isn’t safe. It’s just a slower, quieter way of missing out on everything.

Take a few minutes to think about what you’re genuinely frightened of missing out on in your life. Then go and do something about it.

Further reading

• Przybylski, A. K., Murayama, K., DeHaan, C. R., & Gladwell, V. (2013). Motivational, emotional, and behavioral correlates of fear of missing out. Computers in Human Behavior, 29(4), 1841-1848.
• Kahneman, D., & Tversky, A. (1979). Prospect theory. Econometrica, 47(2), 263-291.
• Schwartz, B. (2004). The Paradox of Choice. Harper Perennial.
• Gilbert, D. (2006). Stumbling on Happiness. Alfred A. Knopf.
• Iyengar, S. S., & Lepper, M. R. (2000). When choice is demotivating. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 79(6), 995-1006.
• Dweck, C. (2006). Mindset. Random House.
• Heath, C., & Heath, D. (2013). Decisive. Crown Business.
• Thaler, R. H., & Sunstein, C. R. (2008). Nudge. Yale University Press.
• Festinger, L. (1957). A Theory of Cognitive Dissonance. Stanford University Press.
• Duckworth, A. (2016). Grit. Scribner.