Day 15: Can’t Statements
Week 3 Rewiring
I can’t. A simple phrase I hear every single day. And there were times when I used to feel like I was banging my head against a brick wall, especially when confronted with people who can’t do something. Usually, anything that might help their situation or get them out of the problem they’re in.
Sometimes we hang on to phrases like I can’t and they become rules we live by. Let’s look at I can’t a little more closely. And what you can do when you catch yourself saying it.
Can’t, as you know, is short for cannot. In linguistic terms, it’s known as a modal operator of impossibility. It implies that you think you’re unable to do something. Or, more likely, that you’ve made a choice not to do something instead.
Here are a few typical examples:
I can’t go back to work.
I can’t lose weight.
I can’t cope.
There are times when all of us have self-doubt. There are times when we all feel negative. But there are also times when we need to look at what we’re saying. What we can do, not what we feel we can’t do. Especially if we’ve got it wrong.
What’s Actually Happening
Here’s what’s actually happening when you say I can’t. Your brain is protecting you. It’s trying to keep you safe from failure, from rejection, from discomfort. But here’s the problem: your brain responds to a perceived threat much as it would to a real one.
So when you say I can’t go back to work, your brain hears going back to work is dangerous. And it responds accordingly. It floods you with anxiety. It makes you feel incapable. It reinforces the belief that you can’t.
But most of the time, I can’t actually means I’m afraid to, or I don’t want to, or I don’t know how to. And those are very different statements. They require very different responses.
Seligman’s original work on learned helplessness described people who stop trying even after the barrier is removed. He and his colleague Maier revised that account in 2016, and the revision is better news: passivity is the default response to prolonged adversity, and what we actually learn is control — the sense that our actions matter. Every time you test an I can’t and find it doesn’t hold, you’re learning exactly that.
But here’s the good news: beliefs can be changed. Not easily. Not quickly. But they can be changed. And it starts with catching yourself saying I can’t and questioning it.
What Doesn’t Work: The Pantomime Approach
Let’s start with what doesn’t work. Many managers, bosses, and even doctors still use this approach when responding to a ‘can’t’ statement. It goes like this.
I can’t.
Oh yes you can.
Oh no I can’t.
And so on. Not only does this approach get you into direct confrontation, it leads to further polarisation. It’s not solution-based. It doesn’t help. You can’t argue someone out of a deeply held belief by simply contradicting it. All that does is make them defend it more strongly.
A Better Approach: Three Ways to Challenge I Can’t
Here’s a more effective approach. A set of questions you can ask yourself when you catch yourself saying I can’t. These questions methodically push you from your problem into a solution from a variety of different angles.
Dispute Your World
This questions the reason and belief behind the can’t statement.
How do you know that? What do you need to know to know that’s not true?
Repeat back to yourself your can’t statement and add a because to look for a reason. Often, you’ll find the reason is either flawed or doesn’t actually exist.
What are you not telling yourself? What evidence are you ignoring?
Explore the Reverse
This explores the opposite of your statement. It looks at what would happen if you could.
What’s the most likely thing that would happen if you could?
What are you not thinking of? What haven’t you tried yet?
Imagine if you could. How would you? What would the first step be?
Give Back Control
One method is to simply replace the can’t with a won’t. This shifts the presupposition so that you have control and you’re making a decision to do or not do something. It also helps you think of any remaining barriers that are stopping you from achieving what you need to do.
So why won’t you?
What’s stopping you? Why haven’t you decided to do this before?
When you hear yourself saying it’s impossible, try asking yourself: if it was possible, what would be the first step?
Can’t or Won’t?
Every time you catch yourself saying I can’t, you’ve got a choice. You can accept it at face value, let it reinforce your helplessness, and stay stuck. Or you can question it. Challenge it. Test it.
Most of your I can’ts won’t stand up to scrutiny. They’re based on outdated information, false beliefs, or simple fear. And when you expose them to the light of questioning, they fall apart.
So start listening for those I can’t statements. Count them. Write them down. Then run them through the three-step process: dispute your world, explore the reverse, give back control.
You’ll find that most of your I can’ts are actually I won’ts in disguise. And once you recognise that, you’ve got a decision to make. Do you actually want to do this thing? If yes, then the question isn’t can I? It’s how will I?
And if the answer is no, if you genuinely don’t want to do it, then own that. Say I won’t instead of I can’t. At least you’re being honest with yourself. At least you’re taking responsibility for your choices.
Because here’s the thing: I can’t removes your agency. It makes you a victim of circumstance. I won’t gives you power. It makes you the decision-maker in your own life.
And even if you’re genuinely stuck, even if there’s a real barrier, questioning the I can’t helps you find workarounds. Helps you identify what you actually need. Helps you break down the impossible into possible steps.
The Bigger Picture
I can’t statements don’t just affect individual decisions. Over time, they build a picture of who you are and what you’re capable of. Say I can’t often enough and you stop trying. You stop applying. You stop reaching. Not because you’re actually incapable, but because you’ve convinced yourself you are.
The people who move forward in life aren’t necessarily more talented or more fortunate than those who don’t. They’re just more willing to question their can’ts. To sit with discomfort a little longer. To try things they’re not sure they can do. That willingness, that single habit of questioning rather than accepting, makes an extraordinary difference over time.
So the next time you catch yourself saying I can’t, pause. Ask yourself those questions. Challenge the belief. You might be surprised by what you find on the other side of it.
References
- Bandler, R. & Grinder, J. (1979). Frogs into Princes: Neuro Linguistic Programming. Real People Press.
- Beck, A.T. (1979). Cognitive Therapy of Depression. Guilford Press.
- Burns, D.D. (1980). Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. William Morrow.
- Ellis, A. (1962). Reason and Emotion in Psychotherapy. Lyle Stuart.
- Kahneman, D. (2011). Thinking, Fast and Slow. Farrar, Straus and Giroux.
- LeDoux, J. (1996). The Emotional Brain. Simon & Schuster.
- Neff, K. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. William Morrow.
- Sapolsky, R.M. (2004). Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers. Henry Holt.
- Seligman, M.E.P. (1991). Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life. Knopf.