Day 11: Labelling
Week 2 Diagnosis
Labelling is a really negative type of self-talk that some of us fall into without even realising we’re doing it. It’s a type of lying, but it’s a lie we tell ourselves. It’s a distortion of reality in a negative way, and it’s something personal.
Labelling is a type of overblaming that we do to ourselves when something bad happens. It’s not constructive, but it’s personal. When we do it, we just make ourselves feel worse than we already do.
She’s really upset. I’m a really bad person.
I made a mistake. I’m a terrible doctor.
I didn’t pass the test. I’m a failure.
She doesn’t want to go out with me. I’m so ugly.
The Pattern of Labelling
There’s a pattern to labelling and you need to be able to spot it in your own self-talk. It starts with a statement, one that’s often true. Then what happens is there’s another personal comment that just sneaks itself in on top of that statement, just like in the examples above.
Looking at the examples again, you can see that the first statement doesn’t always mean the second one is true. There’s a flawed logic involved here. Because the first statement is often true, it makes the second one harder to spot as well.
Let me break this down further. I made a mistake is a fact. It’s an event. It’s something that happened. I’m a terrible doctor is a label. It’s an identity. It’s who you are. Can you see the leap? From one action to your entire identity. That’s labelling.
She’s upset is an observation. I’m a really bad person is a global condemnation of your character. The first is specific. The second is all-encompassing. That’s the danger.
Emotional Reasoning
There’s also an emotional element involved that makes labelling easier to do. There’s a cognitive distortion called emotional reasoning. This is when our emotions affect the way we think. Our emotions can put a positive or negative spin on just about anything we decide to do. Our emotions affect the decisions we make one way or another. Yet our emotions aren’t constructed like conscious thoughts are. Our emotions aren’t logical. The trouble is our conscious mind still tries to rationalise them. To make sense of our emotional state, our rational mind looks for answers. Emotional reasoning distorts our view of the world. Before we know it, we get into the habit of labelling.
Labelling is emotional reasoning at work. When bad emotions hit us, we naturally try to work it out. Unfortunately, we can end up blaming ourselves.
She’s really upset. I’m a really bad person.
Your brain is trying to make sense of the bad feeling. It’s looking for an explanation. And the easiest explanation it can find is: this feeling exists because there’s something wrong with me. That’s labelling. That’s your brain lying to you in an attempt to make sense of uncomfortable emotions.
The Coaching Challenge
You need to catch yourself labelling. You need to catch yourself getting personal. One thing doesn’t really mean the other, so don’t be mean to yourself in your self-talk. In coaching and in therapy, a therapist would jump on comments like these and challenge a person so that they could realise the flaws in their logic.
You don’t have a coach in your head to help you, but you can spot labelling. Labelling happens when you feel bad and you end up taking it out on yourself. Look out for statements in your self-talk. Look out for name-calling. Ask yourself, is it really true? Question it and bring some logic back into the equation to cancel out the emotion. Remember, your thinking is often flawed when you’re feeling emotional.
Consider a teacher who made a mistake at a parents’ evening. She got two children mixed up and gave the wrong feedback to the wrong parents. Embarrassing? Yes. A mistake? Absolutely. But here’s what she told herself: I’m incompetent. I’m a terrible teacher. I shouldn’t be doing this job.
One mistake. Twenty years of teaching. Hundreds of successful students. None of that mattered. One slip-up and she had labelled herself as incompetent. That’s the power of labelling. It takes a moment and turns it into an identity.
The challenge to run on yourself is this. Does one mistake define your entire identity? Does one moment encapsulate everything you are? The answer is always no.
The Difference Between Action and Identity
Here’s the crucial distinction you need to make. There’s a difference between I did something bad and I am bad. There’s a difference between I failed at this task and I am a failure. There’s a difference between I made a mistake and I am a mistake.
Actions are temporary. Identity feels permanent. When you label yourself, you’re taking a temporary action and making it a permanent identity. You’re taking a moment and making it forever.
I did a stupid thing is accurate, specific, and correctable. I am stupid is global, unchangeable, and damning. One allows for growth. The other locks you in place.
Practical Steps to Challenge Labelling
When you catch yourself labelling, try this. Replace I am with I did. I am a failure becomes I failed at this specific thing. I am incompetent becomes I made a mistake in this situation. I am worthless becomes I did something I regret.
It’s a small linguistic shift, but it changes everything. Because now you’re talking about behaviour, not identity. Behaviour can change. Identity feels fixed. You can change what you do. And what you are was never determined by what you did in the first place.
Another technique is to ask yourself: would I say this to someone I care about? If your friend came to you after making a mistake, would you call them a failure? Would you tell them they’re worthless? Of course not. You’d remind them that everyone makes mistakes. That one action doesn’t define them. So why do you say it to yourself?
Choosing Your Labels
Labels stick. They shape behaviour. They become self-fulfilling. But they work in both directions.
Under pressure, some of the world’s highest performers don’t wait for their inner voice to decide who they are. They tell it. Not with wishful thinking or affirmations they don’t believe. With identity statements grounded in evidence they’ve actually earned the right to claim.
When your negative self-talk labels you as a failure, the counter isn’t to pretend you’ve never failed. It’s to label yourself more accurately. What else are you? What have you done? What have you come through? Start there. Those are your real labels.
Negative labels won’t stand up to scrutiny. They can’t. They’re overgeneralisations based on emotion, not logic. But you have to actually run that scrutiny. You have to actually question them. Because if you don’t, they’ll keep running on autopilot, shaping your life without you even noticing.
Labelling is one of the most insidious forms of negative self-talk because it feels like truth. It feels like you’re just being honest with yourself. But you’re not. You’re just being mean.
References
- Beck, A.T. (1979). Cognitive Therapy of Depression. Guilford Press.
- Burns, D.D. (1980). Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. William Morrow.
- Gilbert, P. (2010). The Compassionate Mind. Constable.
- Kahneman, D. (2011). Thinking, Fast and Slow. Farrar, Straus and Giroux.
- LeDoux, J. (1996). The Emotional Brain. Simon & Schuster.
- Neff, K. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. William Morrow.
- Sapolsky, R.M. (2004). Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers. Henry Holt.
- Seligman, M.E.P. (1991). Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life. Knopf.
- Bandler, R. & Grinder, J. (1979). Frogs into Princes: Neuro Linguistic Programming. Real People Press.