Day 10: Personalising
Week 2 Diagnosis
Personalisation is a really common trait of negative self-talk and it happens when we get into the mental habit of taking the blame for the negative events that happen to ourselves or others that are not under our control.
What our mind does when we’re suffering from personalisation is that when something goes wrong, there’s a problem, some type of misfortune, or something bad happens, we blame ourselves. We take fault. With this blame often comes feelings of shame and guilt. The trouble with personalisation is that you can get into the habit of taking on responsibility for just about anything that happens in your life and in other people’s. You go through life with the weight of the world on your shoulders.
The Cognitive Distortion
Personalisation is triggered by something bad or negative that has really happened. It’s a cognitive distortion that piggybacks on a real negative event. With this distortion of how we process the bad things that happen, we shoulder the blame ourselves for something that really is not down to us. Personalisation is related to something real that’s happened, something that perhaps you should feel bad about too. That’s why it’s hard to spot.
The problem is not feeling bad when something bad happens. It’s the distortion in your perception that personalisation causes that makes you take the blame as well.
Personalisation is about how we respond internally when a negative event happens. If we don’t get this right, we can end up crippled by guilt because of other people’s misfortunes that are really no fault of our own.
She failed her exam. I should have done more to help. I’m a really bad mother.
We broke up. It’s all my fault.
Breaking Down the Examples
Looking at these examples, you can see how personalisation can cripple a person internally. In the first example, it’s okay to feel bad if someone close to you fails an exam. You can empathise and help them through what happens because of that. But unless you actually sat that exam for them, you shouldn’t take the blame. The amount of study and preparation is what affects exam results, as is performance on the day. Unless you physically stopped that person revising day after day leading up to that exam, you really shouldn’t be feeling responsible.
In the relationship example, breakups happen. Seldom is it totally one person’s fault, yet personalisation could cause you to feel even more of the blame than you should.
Consider a patient who came in with anxiety and depression. As we talked, it turned out her adult son had lost his job. She was convinced it was her fault because she’d let him sleep in too often as a teenager, years before. That’s personalisation. Taking responsibility for the actions of a fully-grown adult because of something that happened when they were still at school.
Personalisation as Manipulation
Personalisation is also used to manipulate people. Others can play on it to manipulate us.
If I do X, then that’s your fault.
A classic example of this is emotional blackmail dressed up as personalisation. It puts the responsibility for someone else’s choices onto you. And if you’re prone to personalisation, you’ll feel that weight. You’ll take that blame. Even though it makes no logical sense.
You can’t control the actions of other people, especially other adults. So why personalise their misfortunes as your fault?
If someone in your life routinely tells you that their choices are your fault, that may not be a thinking pattern to fix on your own. Emotional blackmail and coercive control are real, and there is specialist support for them — a good place to start is your GP or a domestic abuse helpline.
Spotting Personalisation
You can spot personalisation in some of your own self-talk, especially the things you say to yourself that have made you feel guilt and shame. To alert yourself to personalisation, look out for those two emotions. Then take a few moments to look at why you’re feeling like that. If that event or bad thing that happened is really not under your control, then personalisation may be the reason.
There needs to be a limit to what you can take responsibility for. Take a responsibility check. Is it something you’ve done or caused? Is it something due to your own actions or something you can control? Then that’s fine, take the responsibility and the emotions that go with it. But this lesson is not about taking responsibility for something that is down to you. It’s about you taking responsibility for things and events that you have no control over.
The Responsibility Test
Here’s a simple test you can run when you catch yourself personalising. Ask yourself three questions.
Did I directly cause this?
Was it within my control to prevent?
Am I taking responsibility for another adult’s choices?
If the answers are no, no, and yes, you’re personalising. You’re carrying weight that isn’t yours to carry. And that weight will crush you if you let it.
The Difference Between Empathy and Personalisation
This isn’t about becoming cold or uncaring. This isn’t about refusing to help people or feel for them. There’s a difference between empathy and personalisation.
Empathy is I feel for you and I’ll help if I can. Personalisation is this is my fault and I must fix it. Empathy is healthy. Personalisation is destructive.
You can care about someone’s problems without taking ownership of them. You can help without believing you’re responsible. You can feel sad about someone’s misfortune without believing you caused it.
Setting Boundaries
We can’t go through life blaming ourselves for everything, for all the bad things that happen to those around us, and for all of the actions and decisions that other people make. Personalisation happens when good people take on the blame for other people’s misfortune. You need to listen for these comments in your own self-talk. Perhaps it’s time you stop carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders.
Setting boundaries isn’t selfish. It’s necessary. You’re not responsible for other adults’ choices. You’re not responsible for events outside your control. You’re not responsible for fixing everyone’s problems.
What you are responsible for is your own actions, your own choices, your own response to situations. That’s enough. That’s more than enough. Taking on more than that doesn’t help anyone. It just breaks you.
Personalisation is insidious because it feels noble. It feels like caring. It feels like taking responsibility. But it’s not. It’s just another way your mind tricks you into feeling worse than you need to about things that aren’t your fault.
Catch it. Question it. Challenge it. And remind yourself: empathy doesn’t require self-blame. You can care without carrying. You can help without taking responsibility for outcomes you can’t control.
If personalisation has tipped into anxiety or depression, or if you’re experiencing a mental health crisis, please speak to a doctor. This course can complement professional support but it doesn’t replace it.
References
- Beck, A.T. (1979). Cognitive Therapy of Depression. Guilford Press.
- Burns, D.D. (1980). Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. William Morrow.
- Neff, K. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. William Morrow.
- Gilbert, P. (2010). The Compassionate Mind. Constable.
- Kabat-Zinn, J. (1994). Wherever You Go, There You Are. Hyperion.
- Seligman, M.E.P. (1991). Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life. Knopf.
- LeDoux, J. (1996). The Emotional Brain. Simon & Schuster.
- Sapolsky, R.M. (2004). Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers. Henry Holt.
- Kahneman, D. (2011). Thinking, Fast and Slow. Farrar, Straus and Giroux.